So despite my image as a Mr Nice Guy *halah*, lately I have done a contemplation and realised that I have some unholy tendencies, some of which I have been having since I was a kid, and are waiting to unleash when opportunities come. Those are:
- Trollish nature. When confronted with clichéd, orthodox and irrational ideas, I can’t help to raise my libertard soul and activate my killjoy plugin. Ask Mbak Lumiere, she knows this. 😛
- Revengeful heart. I sometimes want to cause exactly the same misfortune to the person previously inflicting it to me, so that s/he can know how it feels to be treated that way. In other words, I want to show that s/he is not the only person who can do that: I can do it too.
- Reflective behaviour. You do me good and I will treat you good, you do me bad and I will treat you bad.
- Ten thousand grudges. You do me bad, I can forgive you (well I am a forgiving person), but I will keep it in my mind until some time. Until then, I can’t help to feel uneasy with you. Have had this a couple of times, for years. Back then I had a problem with one senior, maybe I was not polite too in asking, and he scolded me really hard (well he had a reputation for being short-tempered), and I ceased to talk with him for years, even avoiding the place where he likes to dwell.
- Pissing off the pissed off. Are you angry for no apparent reason? I will be tempted to lure you to an even more catastrophic explosion. A schaudenfraude. When we were still kids, my brother was angry for no good reason, and I made him even angrier.
These are indeed bad things. Jesus says that:
38 You have heard that it has been said: An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. 39 But I say to you not to resist evil: but if one strike you on your right cheek, turn to him also the other:
43 You have heard that it has been said, You shall love your neighbour, and hate your enemy. 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies: do good to them that hate you: and pray for them that persecute and calumniate you:
and those passages condemn my tendencies that I mentioned. I ideally endorse pacifism, a passive rebellion, and, also slightly influenced by Buddhism, I also believe that bad emotions are bad and are not supposed to be disbursed at all. These are signs of anger. Hate and anger are very big sins to me, and thank God, I can repress them most of the time. I also suspect my introversion to play a significant role here: I cannot show anger and I must not show it. I always try to act according to the constructed morality set that I create and apply only to myself, but sometimes it fails though, so whenever it happens, I would like to offer my sincere apologies. These, along with greed, might be the big sins I will carry until I die.
PS: Of course I know the alternative meaning of the biblical passage above. It’s still not related to vengeance though, IMO. Liberation theology FTW.
PPS: By sin, I don’t refer to sin as per its religious meaning, which I don’t really care. By sin, it means causing discomfort to somebody else.
PPPS: Jesus is figure numero zero to me, before John Lennon and Mahatma Gandhi. I wholeheartedly believe that he was pretty much a left-winger figure. Hospitable, compassionate, yet rebellious and courageous inside. A person whom I deeply adore. So I hope you, my dear readers, don’t mind if I put his action here and there. This acts as both my secular and religious manifesto.
Biblical verses source: http://www.newadvent.org/