Archive for the 'Love' Category

**k Tetangga Selalu Terlihat Lebih Hijau: Impian, Perjalanan, Cinta Kasih, dan Tagline

Kalo diminta nggambarken potret versi romantisasi/idealisasi dari dirimu, apa yang kamu bayangkan? Bagaimana ekspresi wajahmu? Bagaimana posturmu? Pakaian apa yang kamu kenakan? Di mana kamu berada? Sedang apa dirimu?

Ndak tau kenapa, beberapa hari belakangan ini yang terpikir di otak saya adalah gambaran saya yang sedang berdiri tegak, membelakangi kamera/penggambar. Saya pakai pakaian lengkap, jaket, celana jins, sepatu tracking (saya sebetulnya ga punya), dan tas ransel, yang terlihat berat, banyak isinya…walaupun yang nampak di gambar cuman dari paha ke atas. Karena membelakangi, muka saya dan ekspresi muka saya ga kelihatan. Jadi ada kesan agak emotionless. Ada beberapa orang berseliweran di kanan kiri jauh dekat, tapi itu bukan keramaian. Latar belakangnya kabur agak berkabut, tapi saya membayangkan di balik kabut ada tampak samar-samar bangunan-bangunan residensial dan ruko-ruko yang agak tua, mungkin macam di Eropa.

Entah kenapa bayangannya seperti ini. Saya mengartikannya sebagai saya yang selalu siap pergi ke mana impian berada. Impian apa? Ya salah satunya impian mengelilingi dunia. Barangkali saya sudah berkali-kali nulis soal ini. Kalau ditelisik ke belakang, barangkali asal mulanya adalah motivasi orang tua. Orang tua yang selalu mendorong saya untuk menjelalah negeri lain, untuk bisa berbakti di manapun saya berada. Dan alasan lainnya ya alasan praktis. Bahwa buat keluarga kami yang jelas-tidak-kaya-walaupun-kalau-ngaku-miskin-pasti-ditertawakan, sampai beberapa tahun lalu, ke luar negeri adalah kemewahan yang hanya bisa berada di awang-awang. Jadi, ketika saya akhirnya punya kesempatan, saya ndak mau menyia-nyiakan lagi, setelah sebelumnya saya sejujurnya agak menyia-nyiakan juga. Saya senang tahun 2012 lalu saya bisa [ke Jerman], tapi itu cuman 10 hari, dan sekarang saya masih stuck, ndak terlalu jauh dari kampung halaman saya. Biar gitu, saya pingin pergi lebih jauh lagi.

Namun, sejujurnya, saya agak takut dengan hal itu. Barangkali ini efek menyebalkan media sosial juga: suka membanding-bandingkan dengan teman. Kalau saya melihat beberapa teman saya, baik di dunia maya maupun nyata, yang sudah berkeluarga dan menetap, kadang ada terbersit keirian dalam hati saya. Bahwa saya pingin juga punya juga yang begitu itu. Bahwa ada yang lebih muda dari saya dan baru saja punya anak, saya pingin juga seperti itu. Bahwa ada yang sedang merantau dan setiap hari kangen anaknya, saya pingin juga punya seseorang yang bisa dikangeni seperti dalam konteks ini. Lha lak itu tamak namanya. Tapi ya kenyataannya begitulah. Ditambah lagi, dengan kondisi saya yang sekarang ini, sepertinya membangun keluarga menjadi sedikit lebih susah. Apalagi kalau bukan [tentang] [kolam].

Kembali ke perjalanan. Saya punya keyakinan bahwa masa-masa saya di Singapore akan berhenti tidak lama lagi. Saya berharap setahun lagi saya sudah tidak di sini lagi. Saya mulai mendramatisasi kondisi ini. Tempat yang dulu saya anggap membosankan, ternyata lambat laun bisa juga jadi menyenangkan dan menenangkan, kalau cara hidupnya pas juga. Pada saat yang bersamaan, saya juga mencoba mewujudkan yang saya tulis di paragraf sebelumnya. Tapi, sejauh ini hasilnya belom bagus. Saya masih punya harapan, saya yakin. Tapi kalau sampai saat saya pergi saya masih belom dapat progres yang bagus, saya ndak tau lagi kapan yang di atas itu bisa terpenuhi.

Dan seperti ada tertulis di sesi favourite quotes di halaman about Facebook saya,

“A rolling stone gathers no moss.”

***

Sekian dulu postingan saya. Tadinya cuman pingin menjelaskan visualisasi romantisasi diri saya. Ternyata akhirnya secara tak sadar saya juga sedang menjelaskan tagline blog ini.

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Analogue and a Few Notes

via Wikipedia, from the games Steam page

My hardcore gamer friend [disc-co] told me about this game called [Analogue: A Hate Story]. I was fascinated at the future setting and premise of it featuring “transhumanism, traditional marriage, loneliness” and LGBT, from the Wikipedia entry. Upon playing the game for the first time, I was annoyed by the stacks of letters I have to read. At a glance, they appread to be soap opera-ish, featuring family affairs here and there. Also, I was reminded of the letters in early Resident Evil (RE) games. I always skipped those letters in RE as I had the walkthrough, but in here I had to read the letters. However, on the next day I tried to be more patient and read the letters one by one. It turned out to be not so soap opera-ish. Behind the family affairs and adulterous wives, there are things which I would like to take some notes of.

  1. Albeit being interested in transhumanism, I do have some degrees of scepticism, especially about the future of humanities. One thing which draws questions from me is cryonics as means to escape death. I am not sure if the people whose bodies or brains are preserved are brave or something, but I am certainly curious as for how they predict the future will be, and what if the future turns out to be as what they have predicted.
  2. It’s funny to me that while in the past women were confined from further studies and to domestic matters, now I am looking for an independent and intelligent woman who is basically my equal. Oh how fast time flies. And this creates problem for me as well, considering my small pool et cetera et cetera.
  3. Another funny thing is that while women are typically only regarded as child-factories and child-bearers, the population is portrayed to be shrinking. I wonder what is the rationale behind this phenomenon.
  4. Apparently the developer has some opinions to be expressed in LGBT matters. While I have no problem with this, I am scared of the prospect of [having relationship] [with AIs], let alone with those with no proper physical embodiment.

BTW, the sequel is supposed to be released today.

Interfaith Relationships and Interoperability: An On-Progress Concept

I don’t know why last night (i.e. several hours ago) I found my mind stumbling with the mystery of interfaith marriage, an issue very personal to me (but that’s another story™). A building block had been established as early as [the end of 2009], possibly even earlier. At that time, however, my view was rather based on emotional observation, immature idealism, and narrow view. Those who know me personally know what happened next, but that’s also another story™. Nevertheless, considering how ideas actually evolve and how a man develops, it was somehow normal. Now, I have learnt more, and what I want to write here is a development of the previous idea.

Now I truly understand that interfaith relationships are a VERY HARD concept (pardon me for the capitalisation). Even regular relationships are already hard, considering how two persons under the same umbrella can actually have totally different world views. Never mind extremely conservative ideologies, never mind the fundamentalists, never mind social taboos. In liberal societies, judgments might be far and between, and more religious clerics may be willing to give blessings in interfaith wedding ceremonies, but interfaith relationships are still VERY HARD (again, pardon me). I observe the following things.

  1. A religion in itself is a system with a clear(er) boundary. You either profess or you do not. Although different religions can share the same golden rule, in details, one religion’s view can contradict another’s. This is as opposed to ethnic and cultural backgrounds, which can be blurry, to the point that a friend of mine could say that he was 25% Malay, 25% Chinese, 25% Sundanese, and 25% Batak, although he identifies himself more as a Malay. This is also different from how religions can adopt elements of local culture, like me bearing the labels “Javanese” and “Catholic” at the same time. And even “Indonesian”, for that matter. I cannot see how one can hold more than two religions at the same time without creating a new world view. If you know, please enlighten me.
  2. I now see marriage not only happen between two persons; it also ties the knots between their two families. In this situation, complexity raises by numerous folds, as an additional one person to consider rises the problem’s dimension, eventually creating an [explosion]. While you might be able to make common grounds with your partner, it might not be the case with your in-laws. You may not communicate with them regularly, but even one rare fundamental disagreement with them can spread to you and your partner.
  3. Some problems might be due to lack of preparations by the couples themselves. Love blinds. Add immature decision making, couples might not talk intensively about their differences, and a time bomb is on the make. Even after considering a lot of things, lots and lots of them, eventually in your marriage, you might face a situation which you never thought of before.
  4. Interfaith couples are more likely to divorce [link].
  5. (I might add more later on)

Therefore interfaith relationships in their nature are VERY HARD. I have to be honest: the way I see it, interfaith couples are very likely to be depressing. They are risky and relatively unstable.

***

But there is actually a chance for interfaith relationships to work, right?

For some couples, they do work. I have aunts and uncles who have such marriages. So, is there a formulation to increase global happiness for interfaith couples? Ethnic differences in the past might be obstacles to marriages, but it seems to me they are less so nowadays.

I think I see something from my Computer Science background which can help. The keyword is [Interoperability], which is a study on how different systems can work together and maximise their (united) performance.

The thing is, I am not really familiar with Interoperability. I don’t know advanced concepts, and I am not aware of their current status. I can only say, based on my experience on doing research making use of different libraries, three things.

  1. There are a lot of conflicts. On one occasion, I gave up using one very famous library (let’s call it L1), free but closed source, because the provided libraries were not built with the same configuration as another library (let’s call it L2) which is more fundamental to my code. L1 was built with Multithreaded option (/MT), L2 was with Multithreaded DLL (/MD). L1 doesn’t support L2’s configuration, and vice versa. L1 and L2 broke up and eventually I found an alternative library (L3) which has the same purpose as L1 and can be integrated to the system. Now, what can make a happy ending possible for the relationship between L1 and L2? Either 1) L1’s developers publish L1’s source code so that I can use L2’s configuration when building L1, or 2) I join the company who makes L1.
  2. There are also a lot of gives-and-takes. By a lot, I mean a lot. While a library can provide a very fast implementation of an algorithm, it might lack performance for other algorithms, or they might not exist at all, the solution of which you have to implement yourself. Also, while I aim for as strict abstraction as possible, such that I only allow library-specific code in a wrapper class, it can simply be beyond reach at times. For example, the interfaces to save a data structure in different formats are very different, and I am not sure how I could have a unified access to both formats. Since it lies well down below in my priority list, currently I had library-specific codes inside the main project, with a hope that the future me can move it to the wrapper.
  3. Solving differences and dependencies can be very tough, especially if solutions are obscure, not readily available, or beyond your knowledge and reach when the situation arises. Be mentally prepared, and do give a lot of time for it. Are you willing to dedicate your entire life just for your interfaith marriage, with the possibility of giving up some other dreams of yours?

I do not currently have any idea whether there is a good or bad conclusion for this, or even if it is conclusive at all, but I hope someday I can continue to develop this framework.

Resolusi 2013

Urut berdasarkan prioritas terendah:

3. Melanjutkan project Anastasia

2. Submit disertasi

1. Submit paper di konferensi/jurnal tier 1

Are You Willing to Kill?

Saya tak menyangka bahwa menaruh link [ini] di Facebook akan membuahkan komentar yang seru. Artikel ini bercerita tentang Nevin Yildirim, 26, seorang ibu di Turki yang setelah sering diperkosa oleh seseorang selama beberapa bulan, menembak pemerkosanya di alat kelaminnya, lantas setelah si pemerkosa mati, Mbak Nevin memenggal kepala pemerkosa dan membawanya ke tengah alun-alun desa. “Ini yang terjadi dengan orang yang mempermainkan harga diriku!”, katanya.

Ada beberapa komentar yang masuk. Silakan baca di sini. Saya capture yang penting-penting saja, jadi antara satu dan lainnya mungkin tidak langsung berkelanjutan. Klik untuk memperbesar.

Saya berada di belakang Mbak Nevin di sini. Tapi komentar Bang Alex membuat terhenyak juga. Di situ dia menuliskan bahwa memang sudah layak dan sepantasnya si pemerkosa itu dipenggal. Dia sendiri akan melakukan hal yang sama kalau  anggota keluarga dia mengalami hal yang sama (komentar #8). Hehe. Sejujurnya, saya ga kaget sih. Tapi, saya merefleksikan kasus ini ke diri saya sendiri. Kalau yang diperkosa istri saya, apakah saya akan membunuh pemerkosanya? Jujur saja saat ini saya bilang tidak tahu. Saya bukan orang sekeras Bang Alex. Kalau berdasar klasifikasi laki-laki [di sini], menurut saya, saya lebih dekat ke [magician], sedangkan dia ke tipe [warrior]. Warrior akan lebih siap menghadapi hal-hal seperti ini. Pun, di artikel warrior itu, ada dikatakan,

But in general, modern culture is not comfortable with Warrior energy. The advent of mechanized warfare during the first half of the 20th century dampened the romantic ideal of martial courage. Since the social and cultural revolutions of the 60s and 70s, we’ve generally taught boys and men to avoid confrontation and conflict and to instead nurture their “feminine side.” The result is the Nice Guy; the man who will avoid confrontation and aggression even when confrontation and aggression are justified.

Dan saya adalah salah satu produk nice guy itu, yang terlahir dari pengalaman keras generasi baby boomer, dan keinginan mereka agar anak mereka tidak mendapat pengalaman seperti mereka. Mindset saya jadi begini (maaf pake Bahasa Inggris, saya lebih bisa mengekspresikannya). Let’s say I kill a rapist who raped my wife. However morale and just my action can be, are you sure that I will not lose my job? Ya begitu mindset saya. Sementara sebenarnya saya setuju dengan komentar Bang Alex di gambar nomor 5, bahwa dalam perkembangan peradaban, ada kontribusi dari pertumpahan darah. Cuman ya itu. Saya yang sedang menjaga hubungan erat dengan pekerjaan ini, dikombinasikan dengan latar belakang kepribadian saya, membuat saya belum membuat keputusan soal ini. Yang saya pahami saat ini cuman bahwa dalam kasus seperti ini, fokus saya adalah memberi keamanan dan dukungan emosional ke istri saya, to the point that, when the need arises, I have to effin’ die to save her.

Bagaimana dengan Anda sendiri? Apakah Anda bersedia membunuh?

My Ideal Date

My ideal date will be to have a two-person journey to visit each other’s past, to visit every precious moment, happy or sad, stoic or melancholic, struggle or tragedy, mystery or romance, which has passed but did shape our current selves, to have a better understanding of each other’s behaviour, thought, and emotion, to open every old wound, and to re-heal it again with a brand new medicine: ourselves as a couple.

Lengan Beribu

Jadi baru-baru ini saya ngulangin lagi main Lengan Beribu, yang di Argentina, tepatnya di Rosario dan Falkland Island, terkenal dengan nama Thousand Arms. Saya pingin menulis dua tiga (kok ga ada yang koreksi sih!?) poin tentang perenungan hidup yang saya petik setelah bermain game ini selama beberapa jam (di bawah 10).

Ini duluuu waktu neng Ayumi masih muda dan polos; sekarang udah jadi kaya bule celup

Ini duluuu waktu neng Ayumi masih muda dan polos; sekarang udah jadi kaya bule celup

  1. Pertama kali saya main game tersebut kira-kira 10 tahun yang lalu HUANJRIT 10 TAHUN YANG LALU LAMA BANGET WTFLOLBBQ. Saya pinjam cd bajakan game tersebut dari seorang teman weeaboo yang memang maniak sama Jejepangan. Memang waktu itu SMA kami dilanda demam Jejepangan, tapi dia termasuk yang heboh maniaknya. Anyway, itu adalah masa-masa ketika saya jatuh cinta untuk pertama kalinya, tapi betul-betul blank soal kewanitaan. Jadi waktu saya main game ini, saya bener-bener ndak ngerti pilihan jawaban yang tepat waktu ngedate. Sekarang, saya *uhuk* udah lebih ngerti dikit soal perempuan, jadinya bukan masalah besar untuk memilih jawaban. Cuman ya itu…
  2. …saya pun jadi merasa bahwa game-game simulasi kencan macam begini rada menipu pria-pria yang culun hati dan pikirannya, karena mereka jadi berpikiran bahwa ketika kencan, mereka harus memberi jawaban seperti apa yang si cewek inginkan. Padahal IMO ini ndak bagus. Bagaimanapun juga pendapat diri sendiri musti dipertimbangkan, terutama ketika kita ada pendapat atau pendirian yang berbeda dengan mereka. Misalnya, saya langsung ilfil ketika salah seorang karakternya punya impian hidup “ingin menikah”. Bleh. Ya silakan-silakan aja sih. Tapi kalau mau jadi pacar saya ya you must do better. Terserah aja kalau si cewek marah-marah. Ya berarti ndak cocok. Sayangnya di game ndak ada pilihan untuk protes. Namun demikian, apapun komplen saya di sini, saya ya ndak bisa menyalahkan karena tujuan game ini adalah menjadi pandai besi sejati, yang untuk mencapainya kita musti mampu menjalin hubungan dengan berbagai macam wanita. Terakhir…
  3. …karena saya sudah agak pintar menebak, lama-lama dating ini jadi membosankan juga *hoahem*

Sebagai penutup postingan ini, saya persembahkan lagu pengantar galau, yang tak lain tak bukan adalah ending dari Lengan Beribu ini. Judulnya Two of Us, dinyanyikan oleh Meffrouw Ayumi Hamasaki. Selamat menikmati!

Kata laman ini, alihbahasa salah satu baitnya macam begini:

I wanted to be loved, it’s not that you loved me  
I knew it, I could have slept alone, but  
The song we both loved, the movie we saw together  
I couldn’t forget, somewhere  
I hoped for tomorrow 


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